After the War
by SFT's Saw
Summary: O/S Did anyone really think that Harry would be a well-adjusted man after the war? It's Whumptober for Harry Potter! 31 drabbles for 31 days of pain and suffering!


**Disclaimer: If Harry Potter belonged to me, Harry and Hermione would have ended together. They didn't so draw your own conclusion.**

 **Author's note:** Let me explain, I initially planned to write OS/ficlets for Whumptober but unfortunately real life got in the way (like it often does). Refusing to admit defeat, I opted for drabbles instead so there you have it: 31 drabbles telling the non-linear story of Harry's first year (or so) after the war. Some are related to others and some aren't. You'll know which one I'm talking about. The drabbles are not as whumpy as they could have been, but hey, I went where inspiration took me.

Enjoy!

* * *

 **1\. Stabbed**

Since the war ended, pain has become a part of him.

Emotional pain.

Like a knife stabbing him at the oddest moments.

Everything can set him off. A smell, a word, a voice.

Sometimes, he steps into a room and bam!

Pain. Pain everywhere. And no end in sight.

He wants to scream but he feels like he's being stabbed in the throat.

He wants to cry but he feels like he's being stabbed in the eyes.

And every time, he wants to look at himself in the mirror, almost convinced that he can see the knife stabbing his heart.

* * *

 **2\. Bloody hands**

He keeps rubbing. No matter how long it takes, he has to get it off.

It's painful. The skin feels tight. But still, he rubs.

They tried to stop him.

Ginny tried. Hermione tried. Ron tried. Molly tried.

They all gave up eventually.

They don't understand.

"The war is over," they say. "Leave the past to the past," they say. "We're all here," they say.

But so many aren't.

Cedric. Sirius. Dumbledore. Hedwig. Fred. Remus. Tonks...

They're not here anymore.

And so he rubs.

But no matter how hard he tries, he can't get their blood off of his hands.

* * *

 **3\. Insomnia**

Most nights, he lays in his bed with eyes wide open. Ginny is softly breathing next to him, snoring a little.

How he envies her.

He feels like it's been years since he had a good night sleep. Since the Battle of Hogwarts, sleep has become rare.

Ginny was like that too at first. They would stay up all night, keeping each other company. They didn't need to say anything, they knew the reason why.

But after a while, her nightmares were gone and she started snoozing happily every night.

He would take nightmares over no sleep at all anytime.

* * *

 **4\. "No, stop!"**

He seldom sleeps nowadays. But lately, the rare times he does doze off, he finds himself back in fifth year. Back in the Department of Mysteries. Back when Sirius was still alive.

He sees what's happening and he knows what will happen so when Sirius moves toward Bellatrix, he yells: "No, stop!" Sirius stumbles a little and turns to look at him, confused.

Moody steps up and Bellatrix engages him instead and Sirius steps away from the Veil, walking toward him.

"Are you alright?" His godfather asks, concerned.

He doesn't answer. He just smiles, relieved.

And then he wakes up.

* * *

 **5\. Poisoned**

He doesn't trust anyone.

Not anymore.

After months spent running away and hiding, after months spent being betrayed, after months spent being wary, he can't stop anymore.

Everyone has become a threat to him. Everyone could turn against him.

The only ones he trusts are Ginny and Hermione. And Ron.

Everyone else, he looks at with suspicion.

He avoids going out in public. Crowds can't be trusted.

He avoids going to the Ministry. Ministry workers can't be trusted.

Sometimes he's not even sure he can trust Ginny, Hermione and Ron.

His mind is poisoned.

It's Voldemort's final gift to him.

* * *

 **6\. Betrayed**

For a while, he feels closer to Hermione than anyone else.

They both bear visual reminders of that awful war. The dark magic of the Horcrux left a scar around his neck and Hermione carries that insulting word on her arm.

It means something to him.

One day though, she shows up with colourful flowers blooming on her arm. He's dumbfounded at first. He certainly never expected straight-laced Hermione to get a tatoo. It doesn't take him long to realize that she wanted to cover that awful brand.

He understands. He really does. Still...

He can't help but feel betrayed.

* * *

 **7\. Kidnapped**

After Ron kidnaps him, he brings him to the Burrow.

Molly takes one look at him and bursts into noisy tears.

He looks at her impassionately.

The rest of the family bursts into the room, alarmed by her wailing.

Ginny and Hermione gasp and tears fill their eyes. The men stare at him like he's a ghost.

He looks at them without a word.

"You'll be staying here," Arthur Weasley tells him in a shaky voice.

Does he really look that bad, he wonders. Molly's wails answer him. Yes. Yes, he does.

Nevermind that.

Apparently he can't go home anymore.

* * *

 **8\. Fever**

He gets a fever one night. Well, he thinks he does. Why else would he feel like he's burning in the fires of hell?

Tries to push his blankets away but so weak that he can't even move.

Why can't move? Oh right, the fever.

Grits his teeth. Calling for help is useless. No-one will come anyway.

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia taught well. Doesn't deserve help.

Suffer in silence. Don't make a noise. Punishment if he disturbs other.

A whine escapes. Noise brings someone.

Bad. Bad. He'll get punished now.

Cold hand.

Flinch.

Doesn't hurt.

Cold hand.

Feels nice.

* * *

 **9\. Stranded**

He's stranded at the Burrow.

He doesn't really care.

They've taken his wand, locked down the floo and he thinks they've put an alarm on the doors.

He doesn't really care.

They never leave him alone. Someone's always with him. Except in the bathroom.

He doesn't really care.

They try to get him to talk to them. When that fails, they talk to him. Or rather at him.

He doesn't really care.

They tell him he's scaring them.

He doesn't really care.

He knows that it's hurting them. That he's hurting them.

He doesn't really care.

He never cares anymore.

* * *

 **10\. Bruises**

He's covered in bruises.

He examines himself in the mirror with interest. Most of them have turned yellow already but the one across his ribs is still black.

How fascinating.

He's supposed to give a speech today. A lot of people will be there. Important people. People who want to see the hero who saved them all. Not the broken figure he is.

That's okay. He knows what to do.

He'll smile and pretend nothing's wrong under his clothes. He'll pretend he's not covered in bruises.

He has over a decade and a half of practice hiding them after all.

* * *

 **11\. Hypothermia**

He can't stand the cold anymore.

Not since that night, when Ron saved him.

The treck back to the tent had been rough for him. He'd felt number and number. He'd felt more and more confused. He'd been shivering more and more.

He'd stumbled after Ron with difficulty. His friend had been so focused on seeing Hermione that he hadn't even noticed something was wrong.

Hermione had blown her top when they'd finally returned. One look at him and she'd known.

He'd known it too. He'd simply couldn't manage to bring himself to care.

Hypothermia is such an insidious killer.

* * *

 **12\. Electrocution**

A storm is raging outside. Behind his windows, he looks at the lightning tearing the sky apart.

It fascinates him.

He never liked storms when he was younger. He remembers hiding under his thin blanket, back in his cupboard, and wait with bated breath until the storm finally faded away.

Now he wants to run out. He wants to feel the rain cleanse him. Maybe the storm could wash away the blood covering his hand.

And if it can't, maybe it could take away his guilt.

By taking his life.

He figures electrocution would be a lot like the Cruciatus.

* * *

 **13\. "Stay."**

A few weeks after the war, Ginny packs her bags.

He watches her walk around, grabbing a jean here, a book there, checking that she hasn't forgotten anything.

He doesn't feel a thing.

That's the problem apparently.

She told him so. Or rather she screamed so. Now he watches her snot-covered face and still...

Nothing.

Once she's grabbed everything she needs, she slowly walks toward him and hugs him. Hard.

And then she leaves, throwing him hopeful looks.

He knows what she wants. He just can't bring himself to say it.

It's just a word really. A simple word.

"Stay."

* * *

 **14\. Torture**

A healer comes to the Burrow to give him a check-up.

When he takes off his shirt, the healer can't hold a gasp back.

He looks at himself critically, almost expecting to see blood but there's nothing there but old scars.

He shrugs. It doesn't hurt anymore. Besides, he's discovered there are things worse than physical pain.

It's funny, really. When he was a child, he felt nothing was worse than Uncle Vernon's fists. And then he met Lord Voldemort. And then he killed Lord Voldemort.

Uncle Vernon tortured him physically.

Lord Voldemort tortured him mentally.

He's torturing himself emotionnally.

* * *

 **15\. Manhandling**

Ron finds him completely high one day.

He doesn't remember what he's taken. He just knows that it made him feel better.

The disgust on his best friend's face is glaringly obvious.

He can't bring himself to care.

Ron grabs his arm roughly and drags him up to his feet, his nose crinkling.

He wonders when's the last time he took a shower.

So does Ron apparently.

The red-head manhandles him into the bathroom and throw him in the shower.

The freezing water is like a slap in the face.

"Grab your shit," Ron snarls. "You're coming home with me."

* * *

 **16\. Bedridden**

After he collapsed, he's bedridden for a few days.

The Weasleys put him in the twin's room. George can't sleep there anymore. He takes Percy's room and Molly gives him the twins'.

She tells him they'll change the decoration, make it his own, so that he always has a place to come back to.

He really appreciates it.

But the next few days are busy, and he's too weak to do anything by himself. The room stays the same.

He can't do nothing but stare at it.

Two beds. Two desks. Two chairs. Two wardrobes.

But only one twin left.

* * *

 **17\. Drugged**

On a whim, he steps into Knockturn Alley.

There he finds Mulpepper's Apothecary.

Inside he buys a few potions.

Potions he couldn't find in Diagon Alley.

Once home, he pulls his purchases out and stares at it.

He knows it's a bad idea.

There's a reason those potions are not sold in Diagon Alley.

Hermione will kill him if she finds out. Ron might hit him. Ginny might leave him. Molly will certainly cry.

Who knows what those potions will do to him.

It's a bad idea. A very bad idea.

He opens it and drinks it in one go.

* * *

 **18\. Hostage**

He spends a lot of time in Sirius' bedroom.

It makes him feels closer to him.

He sits on his bed and ponders what it was like for his godfather.

All Sirius wanted was to get out. Spend time with him and Remus. Live.

All he wants is to stay holed up. Alone. Hiding. Safe.

How ironic.

The previous owner of the house would have done anything to get out.

He's ready to do anything just to stay in.

Sirius was held hostage in his own house by the well-meaning Order.

Him, though, is an hostage of his own volition.

* * *

 **19\. Exhaustion**

Since the Battle of Hogwarts, he's constantly exhausted.

No matter what he does, he's completely drained afterward.

The simplest action demands a tremendous amount of energy from him. He feels like he's living in a fog.

He doesn't understand why. Maybe the last seven years have taken their toll on him. That's the most logical explanation he can think of. He probably burned himself out.

Healers can only agree with him.

They did lots of tests to try and find him an answer but it was all in vain.

His magic is fine. His body is fine. He's just...

Tired.

* * *

 **20\. Concussion**

He doesn't feel like he's real anymore.

At first, it was just fleeting, but nowadays, it's all he can think about.

He looks for ways to proves himself wrong.

At first, huddling in a corner worked well until one day it didn't.

But he found something else.

Pain works even better.

He bangs his head against the wall now.

He creates a nice rhythm and the pain makes him feel better. It makes him feel real.

Something's wrong lately though.

He's started seeing stars and losing balance. His ears are ringing and he feels nauseous.

This morning, he even vomited.

* * *

 **21\. Harsh climate**

Soon after he leaves the Burrow, Andromeda visits him.

He's holding Teddy on his laps, completely focused on him. The toddler stares at him intently and his golden eyes suddenly turn green.

He chuckles.

Andromeda and him never talk. She brings Teddy to visit him and silently watches them like a hawk.

She's talking today but he's not listening to her. He doesn't want to hear what she has to say.

She tells him that she just wants to leave Britain's harsh climate but he knows the truth.

She's taking away the only thing that still make him feel human.

* * *

 **22\. Friendly fire**

He thinks about fate a lot since he came back. That and Dumbledore's manipulations.

The old coot has taken a lot of risks in his plans. So many things could have gone wrong.

If his magic hadn't healed him during his childhood, he could have die before even returning to the Wizarding World.

If his mother's protection hadn't existed, he would have been killed in first year.

If Ron hadn't returned that night in the woods, he would have drown.

If during the Battle he had been hit by, say, a friendly fire instead of Voldemort, everybody would be dead.

* * *

 **23\. Self-sacrifice**

A few months after the war, he tells Ginny he wants to become an auror.

She goes ballistic.

She starts yelling, telling him she refuses to spend her days in fear of something happening to him. She tells him she's been through that already. She tells him she's been through enough.

They've both been through enough.

Why should he keep sacrificing himself, she asks. Couldn't he let someone else do it for once?

When he tells her no, she calls him a self-sacrificing fool.

She certainly nailed it with that one.

Self-sacrificing fool.

That's all he knows how to be.

* * *

 **24\. Drowning**

A couple of months after the Battle of Hogwarts, he ventures into Diagon Alley for the first time.

He's astounded by what he finds. A bustling place, filled with people, and colours and noises. Like the first time he entered the Alley. Back when people were still carefree.

Looks like they've learn to be carefree again.

Suddenly, someone notices him and the Alley falls silent. Just like the first time he'd entered it.

Swarms of people had surrounded him and he'd felt like a fish out of water.

Swarms of people are surrounding him and he feels like he's drowning.

* * *

 **25\. Restraints**

He's constantly surprised by people's ability to forget and move on.

Only a few months have passed since the Battle of Hogwarts but the castle has been restored to its past glory. The Alley is bustling again. The Ministry has returned to its former inefficiency.

People are smiling and laughing again.

Except him.

He feels like he's only one still remembering. But that's okay. He doesn't mind remembering. He owes them at least that.

All the people who are gone and will never come back.

Family. Friends. Even enemies.

Like albatrosses, hanging around his neck.

Like shackles, holding him back.

* * *

 **26\. Broken ribs**

He once read somewhere that pain is the proof that people are alive.

It makes sense in a twisted way.

Death is such a sweet oblivion. No sadness, no pain, no nothing.

He knows. He remembers.

Sometimes he wonders if he really came back.

It's stupid cause he sure as hell did, self-sacrificing fool that he is.

But still. Sometimes. He can't help but wonder.

And when he does, he unconsciously trails his hand up his stomach and push.

There are broken ribs healing beneath his skin there.

And such a delightful pain following his fingers.

Proof that he lives.

* * *

 **27\. "I can't walk."**

When they finally leave Hogwarts, when he finally can escape all the well-wishers trying to thank him, he steps out of the fireplace at the Burrow.

Before he can even take one step, he suddenly collapses.

Wide-eyed, he watches the family panick around him from his spot on the floor until Bill and Ron grab him by the arms and pull him up to his feet.

He thanks them weakly and tries to move away but he immediately collapses again.

He feels shaky, like a baby deer trying to stand up for the first time.

"I can't walk," he admits.

* * *

 **28\. Severe illness**

He feels sick. All the time, he feels sick.

He's so tense all the time.

He's so on edge he constantly feels nauseous, exhausted, drained.

He shakes a lot. Hard. Hard enough that his teeth start chattering. Hard enough that he fears they'll break eventually.

He's seen so many healers but none that could help him.

"It's in your head," they say. "Your mind is projecting its anguish on your body," they say.

"Give it time," they say. "Once your mind realizes everything is really over, you'll get better," they say.

But he knows the truth.

He'll never get better.

* * *

 **29\. Seizure**

The destruction of the Horcrux hidden in his scar has left a mark.

He finds out soon after the Battle of Hogwarts.

He's still living at the Burrow when it first happens.

One second he's fine, the next, he's on the floor.

When he opens his eyes, the whole family is surrounding him.

Molly's face has turned a sickly white under her freckles.

Ginny, Hermione and Ron are kneeling on the floor, surrounding him.

"What happened?" He croaks. He feels like he's been run over by a truck.

"You...had...some...kind...of...seizure," Hermione sobs.

It's the first of many.

* * *

 **30\. Caregiver**

He moves into Grimmauld Place almost right away.

After Fred's death, Molly has pulled her family – him and Hermione included – tight around her.

But her well-meaning mothering has become smothering.

He deeply appreciates all she's done for him through the years, but after the past few months, he can't stand it anymore.

He's no longer a child.

That's what he tells himself anyway, but at night, when he lays in the dark, he can admit the truth to himself.

She's not the one he wants taking care of him.

His caregiver is dead already.

He's been dead for two years.

* * *

 **31\. Showdown**

He remembers that he started picturing his final showdown with Voldemort the summer after his fourth year.

Fresh out of the cemetary, with Voldemort just reborn, he had started wondering how he would defeat him.

For there was no doubt in his mind that he would have to face him.

Voldemort had always been there, ever since he had returned to the wizarding world.

In a strange way, he had been his constant companion, even more than Ron and Hermione.

But now they have faced off and he has won.

His constant companion is gone and he is all alone.

* * *

 **There you go! Hope you liked it! Do let me know which drabbles you liked the most! I'm curious to see if it's the same ones as me!**


End file.
